Genesis of Life

Amidst AS finals, yet here I am, drowned in emotions, when I should be devoting my attention to physics. Stress, it may be, then it would be easily solvable as everything shall return to normal in one month's time. I do hope so. It was a beautiful surprise and I'm reluctant to let it go. But what can I do but to sit by and watch it slip through my fingers, leaving scars all over.

Be strong, my mind says. The temptation is only sorrow coated with temporary satisfaction. But alas, I gave in yet again.

Emotion. A double-sided blade indeed.

For some reason, I don't have that stressful feeling I used to have before every major exams. Trials results were nowhere near what I should achieve. And now, actual is the final way for me to prove my worth, if there's any. A week more for preparation. I hope I won't screw this. If I do, so shall the last illumination of my future.

Everything is done and submitted. So, I guess I'm supposed to bid farewell to UK now. The fact has been staring me right in the face for the whole time. Aptitude, the innate ability. The test had just confirmed the fact that I'm not a suitable candidate. That path is not meant for me. I don't have the necessary mindset and ability to be a doctor. For something that I'm sure I won't get, I have wasted weeks, 590 ringgit, 100 pound and another 23 pound.

Edinburgh. Leeds. Leicester. Bristol. 

Well, at least I still get to keep my first choice, Leeds and Leicester get to move forward. Due to my pathetic score, I had to give up Glasgow and substitute it with Bristol. But Bristol has never even crossed my mind before. I hope I didn't make the wrong choice. But it's not that they matter anyway. Choosing all these top-notch universities for a course so competitive, how do I even compete with all those geniuses? A medical student who failed biology? Who in the right mind would give me an offer?

Ireland.HongKong.Singapore.Taiwan.Australia.NewZealand.
I shall have deeper thoughts before applying to these other universities.

No.hopes.no.disappointment.

It's already September. Three more months and the year is coming to an end. It's not time for retrospection yet. And I don't have time for that now. Just that this is truly an eventful year. Things happened, some done and some undone.

I was right all along. It's just that I've chosen to listen to my heart where my mind has been telling me not to. And now, the consequences are only mine to bear. Deep within the crevasse that is cold and dark, a part of me had died. I will try to reach for light and warmth on the peak. Climbing with my bare hands, I know more wounds will add to the ones already there. Once on the peak, It will always be on my mind to keep away from the edge of the cliff.

长久之谜，解于一瞬
内心纠结，消失无踪
不曾拥有，何来失去
绞心之痛，非墨能形
未经沧桑，怎解世故
时日可疗，望之深切
隔亥耸立，今昔非比

It's that day of the year again. The day that is full of surprises and miracles. And maybe some of my more close-to-Earth wishes might come true. Since it's my day, I shall allow myself to fantasize for a while. I know my skills aren't that great and have probably been so under-polished that it's impossible to speed my fingering anymore. Oh, well. But I still want a new instrument. I'm desperately craving for an Irish Tin Whistle. And an escapade would be nice to release me from all these tiring studying, without having anything on my conscience. Unrealistic ones, I shall keep to myself.

I have a whole day to myself. Should I be responsible and carry out my obligations or just focus on the present? Asking the question was only to prove to mind that I'm still sane, which might not last for long.

There's only so much space in my mind. But the troubles just can't seem to stop regenerating themselves. Specifically, a problem that could have been easily resolved if I were in my right mind. Yea. And I'm not quite of sound mind recently.

It was a memorable night for the nation. What's more precious is the person who caused all this to be possible. His persistence is no doubt something worth learning. I'm not a fan and so, I'm not fit to judge. But it's truly amazing how sports can expose the unity that we are capable of.

There's so much to bear, so much to express. I don't even know where to begin. Everything has been very frustrating and will probably be so for the rest of my course. Oh yes. I do think about many things other than my academics. Sometimes, I think too much and throw myself into depression which make me more useless than I already am.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better for me to not be in science. From my own observations of myself over so many years of science, I found only traces of myself that fits the descriptions of science student while most of me is just too obsessed with art-related topics. 

I never knew how to express myself, not even with Chinese which I'm most familiar with. There is simply no words to describe that feeling, a scorching sensation which is burning me from the inside. A three hour session today with my confidants ease my mind by a little but it's still not enough to point me to enlightenment. In that short time, we talked, debated and argued about politics, economics, education and even LGBT issues. I do enjoyed conversing in a productive way. But somehow, I still craved for something a bit more intimate, to share my deepest fear and secret, to seek comfort in the arms of those whom I trust. But then, I was never brave enough to share. It's like being totally naked in front of them, without anything to cover my flaws and imperfections. By keeping everything to myself, I'm torturing myself, forming an invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the world. Locking out all those who would otherwise have the ability to support me when I finally snap.

Shall I make it as a list? I miss writing a lot.

Well. It seems just only yesterday that I finished Thinking Skill paper 1. But it's already the last Friday of the holiday. It's not quite exact to say that I've been productive during the holidays but not to say I'm not. Basically, I went for another attachment. The first four days were practically wasted away but I shall not delve into that. From Friday until the next week, I was fortunate enough to be granted permission to observe real-life operations. I was literally beside the surgeon during the operations. It didn't exactly shock me to my core but at least I know it doesn't scare me, not the way I thought it would. Now that I've fixed my path, I shall focus on achieving it. I will not allow anything to stray me away from that path.

What has happened before seems to be happening again. The last time it happened, I was devastated and the effects never subside. The human mind, at least mine is so complicated that sometimes even I don't know why am I so persistent in a particular topic. I've sworn to not let history repeat itself but it seems that as day passed, it become harder to be kept at bay. Right now, everything is just as it has been before. The last time it ended disastrous. It's better not to even begin this time. And yet, my mind tells me otherwise.

Semester 1 is coming to an end in a 4 weeks. But before that, there's the very important examination that I simply have to ace even if it means giving up my life. I aware that I am giving myself too much stress, which might ultimately end in disaster.

Writing was the only way I could express my feelings and thoughts that would have otherwise bugged me for a long time. While millions of thoughts are racing in my mind, I can't find anything specific to write about. I'm at a loss for words. Somehow, my fingers don't have the courage to start typing. It's like someone, or rather something is squeezing my heart very tightly until there's no place for it to move.

What more could I possibly want? I have gotten much more than I deserve. I can't ask for more.

I have no idea why am I feeling so freaking depressed right now. Probably because things didn't turn out as I hoped? Bah, nothing ever turned out the way I wanted them to be anyway.

A wish, as defined by the dictionary, is a hope or desire for something. Desire comes from the mind, either consciously or unconsciously. I desire to be a medical doctor. It was a wish I never truly have a reason for. It was probably, as my family commented, for self-satisfaction, to quench my thirst for the top of the food chain. But that was not so, I chose science to give me my best shot in the future and biology was the subject that has fascinated me the most. The flawlessness and the delicacy of human physiology, particularly the human brain has never failed to amaze me. I knew it then. I was like bee, attracted to honey. But like everything else, it has a extreme downside. Hence, I was indecisive and that made my wish a dangerous one.

An experience in the hospital had led me to question my choice once more. The clock stroke 12 in the afternoon. It was time for lunch. But the nurse opened the heavy, wooden and seemingly glamorous door, letting yet another patient in. The patient looked pale, as if sickness had sucked the life out of him. But there was only so much the doctor could do, prescribe painkiller to ease the torturous pain. Being present in the same room, I could feel the patients' anguish as if they were mine, the torment lied deep within their heart and they can only hope for it to heal over time. My heart churned at the sight of them. However, I could not see compassion in the doctor's tired yet professional eyes. Somehow, relieving the patients' pain had become nothing more than just an obligation. The pure desire to help people was not there anymore.

In the morning, we did medical ward rounds. First, it was the High Dependency Ward. As the doctor put it, this is where they send the patients who are very ill but not ill enough to be in the Intensive Care Unit, in which I saw sights that I could never forget. The patients there could not even breathe on their own and all of them were unconsciously hooked to a machine. Dozen of tubes were transporting substance in and out of the almost-lifeless body. But still, family members wish for a factitious miracle. I can't help but wonder if the patients ever hope to leave the world in peace instead of suffering so much and condemning their families into sorrow.

It so happened that the doctor I shadowed is a nephrologist. Hence, the Dialysis centre I went, with much excitement. This was where the inspirational magic happened. The majority of patients were already in their twilight years. But most of them were friendly and cheerful despite of the intense pain. I could have been fooled by their blissful façade if they weren't in a Dialysis centre. Through this, I saw the frailness of the human body and how important hope is in sustaining a person's life. Subconsciously, it strengthen my determination albeit the discouragement from most doctors.

Given the fact that most doctors wanted to lead a different life, I can only start to imagine how demanding the medical field is. All the discouragements, the tuition fees, the stringent selection procedure, stressful lifestyle and many other disadvantages should have been able to stray me away from that path I have so naively chosen. But the satisfaction I would get by saving life and the knowledge I could gain would always find its way back into my consciousness, telling me that I will definitely regret not choosing medicine. Hence, the two reasons fought a lot, in which the latter wins constantly. But the cons will still disorientate me every once in a while, leaving standing on the same spot, indecisive as to my final heading.

A respiratory specialist told me something that I found quite interesting. She said that Malaysian students were brought up believing that only professions like lawyers, engineers and doctors can insure one's future, with doctors being the most popular. As much as I wanted to deny, I find that this was somehow, the pathetic truth strongly supported by statistical data. Quoting most of the doctors, being in the medical field requires commitments, passion and the most importantly, stamina. Accept all of that and medicine will prove to be a very rewarding career.

This wish of mine can be realized through constant hard work and a fiery passion that can never go out. Commitment and sacrifice will have to be made. I understand that it is obstinate of me to refuse changes and to block suggestions and advices from people who have walked down the same path. But if I don't realize my wish, my life will never be completed.  Hence, I will be persistent in my choice now, something I will probably regret in the future.

Tomorrow, or should I say later today would be my first day in shadowing a doctor, call it clinical attachment if you will. I'm still confused by these two terms.

The second time. The second scar, though not as intense.

Okay. The government had finally announced the long-awaited Public Service Department scholarship or rather a  bursary. Although they sound all the same to me. Well, they have decided to award the bursary to 9A+ people, which sadly, does not include me. I guess I'm experiencing the sour grapes altitude now. All those bad thoughts about PSD are racing in my mind, which kinda make me feel sadder.

I have tried to walk out of the shadow. I'm quite fine as long as I don't hear the word biology, a term I will be hearing everyday until next year June and if I'm successful in securing Medicine, forever. How can it be? I'm not overconfident. I'm almost certain that I can get A+ for biology if not perfect score. The saddest part is that the actual is worse than the trial, which is much harder. Now, you see. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself again. I hate feeling this way. How is it that everyone else can do it while I can't. Is it because I'm stupid? or I didn't work hard enough? Define hardworking. That biology scar definitely will not heal.

Even though I didn't score well, I still don't have the motivation to study now for A level. It's already four months since college started and I didn't, for a single day, carry out my study plan.

身心伤痕累累，内心百般无奈
意志消沉散漫，前途迷蒙渺茫
疑问解答何处，无能愚钝慵懒

Okay. The stress of A level has begun to show itself. I have been through biology, chemistry and physics presentations, did more projects and experiments than my 5 ChongHwa years combined. These are totally beyond my comfort zone as I have no experience and no expertise. Hence, you can imagine how the results are. I always felt that I have lots to do but in reality, not that much. I can still have free time if only I knew how to manage my time well,in which the steps don't include typing this insignificant post. Yea, well. It's fun to actually get to learn new things and experience it first hand. It's even more fun to actually excel in it and become the best in class, minus a few very strong competitors.

Being from a Chinese independent school, my mindset and theirs are very different. They think about the texts in ways I've never even thought about. And for the same reason, I have this weird thinking that I have to do better than them. I am definitely not looking down on them. But I have learnt much more than them. By right, I should have the ability to score higher and better. And did I? Well, aside from a few very threatening kebangsaan people.

Someone commented that I emphasized too much on academic results. I have never perceive it as a bad thing. It was the force that had moved me and will keep on moving me. Only until recently that I start observing from another perspective. I knew that there's more to life than result. I want my college life to be fun and memorable also. Oh and by the way, I have this recently developed bad habit of doing everything based on recognition by my lecturers. For the sake of my testimonial, I wonder how much more realistic will I become?

熟悉的陌生，期待的见面
如心之所愿，错过的完美
所谓努力，证实不足

Yea. SPM. That's what happened. I was so excited to be able to see my somewhat long-lost friends and I did, which was a great thing. But then, It didn't last for long. I took my results and I cried. As expected, I got straight A's. I'm not at all, boasting. But my tears was not of happiness but disappointment, not because I didn't get the straight A+s I desperately hope for but for biology, in which I have put in enormous effort. I knew for a fact that it's impossible to get the perfect result but I had hope anyway. In many people's eyes, my result was great enough. I would think that too if not for Biology, which was the subject I worried the least. I guess I didn't put in as much effort as I thought I did. My only hope now is too prevent history from repeating in A level.

Oh, I was happy, having many friends at my side when I'm at my weakest. But someone I treasured dearly actually made a comment that hurts above all else, even the result.

I'm starting to wonder how is it that there's no presentations in ChongHwa? That's probably one of the biggest disadvantage. Everything depends on presentation now and I have no idea how to do it. Hence, physics, which unfortunately became my first presentation failed miserably. And now, I have 3 more coming my way, each one harder than the other. Right, guess I'll just have to tell the whole world that I don't know English, then maybe they will pity me and restrain themselves a bit from dying of laughter. My group mates are probably brainstorming on how to get rid of me as I type.

I can't believe it's mid of March already. SPM result will be release next week!

Congratulation on being chosen into the Editorial Board. 
We regret to inform you that your application to PreMed Society committee was unsuccessful.
So, how should I react? I got what I loved but not what I need.

I had the honour of being able to make it into the second selection of the PreMed committee. For the passed 3 days, we have been through hell. Literally. It was stressful, worrying about all those things. But at the same time, it was a great experience. When I was in high school, I never did seize the opportunity to organise an event, which was a great experience I would definitely want to try again. We did great. How could we not get anything? That exact moment when I opened the reply and saw "sorry to inform you". I was devastated. I wanted to be in a committee badly and I did go to great extent to achieve this. And now, I feel like my world is ending. Losing this application means lesser chance of getting scholarships and considering the tuition fees, my dream is another enormous step away. Now, the only way to gain my best chance was to get Best Across Three Subject in the world. I can't even top 24 normal people. How am I suppose to get Best Across with all those geniuses out there? Why u no let me be vp?

Yup. I gave my first ever speech yesterday. Oh, well. It probably doesn't sound anything like one since nobody respond. But, I'm really satisfied to be able to stand in front of a crowd and present myself. Maybe the presenting part wasn't that great. The anxiety, that feeling of wanting to just run out of the lecture theatre and pretend nothing happen were deadly but totally marvellous. After the very-short speech which I think lasted for about one minute and a half, I felt a high sense of accomplishment. Even more satisfying than a bar of 65% dark chocolate, a cup full of Haagen Dazs strawberry cheesecake ice cream, A big slice of Alexis Bistro's Nutty Chocolate Meringue and Oh, you get my point. So satisfying that I sang all the way to the KTM station. Loudly. All those looks from strangers were probably the best indications. Won't even feel sad if I get aero vote too.

Okay. I finally got the time to go to the placement centre, which was a bad idea. After that visit, I was kinda discouraged to pursue medicine. I said before that I was willing to do that course anywhere as long as I can do it. But that wasn't the truth. I wanted to go overseas, not particularly the United Kingdom, just western country. I am not a banana. I loved Chinese and its culture every bit as I could. But I also loved English as equally. I wanted to have the experience of studying abroad. To be every bit as proud as I do ChongHwa. But now, I'm lost. I don't know if that road is really what I want. I loved Science but also Languages, though I do always complain about them. Sciences and Languages are two totally different worlds, like two parallel lines that can never intercept. Now that I'm studying pure science, I missed language classes, especially the essays. I would probably feel the same if it was the other way around.

Right. Signing up for all those activities probably wasn't that bad an idea. Maybe my personal statement could really stand out and they'd invented some medicine and languages joint programme. Oh, well. 16 more months to work on that. My chemistry lecturer actually asked me to bring back top in the world for his birthday wish. Yikes. No pressure. Flattered and Flattened.

Let your passion be the reason for your existence
and your success, the product of your persistence.

I have been struggling with my resume/ curriculum vitae for the passed few days. I have never been in a committee before nor do I know anything about being one. A sudden drastic change like this is totally over my safety limit. But then if I don't, I won't even stand a chance against all those superhuman out there for scholarships.

When I was planning my ever so perfect plan A or any other plans on that matter, I never really did take my ability to adapt into account. I naively thought that time could cure anything but reality has proven otherwise.

Holidays. Finally.

Looking back at my my junior years, I saw only fragment of memories. All of which consisted of examination and assignments. Like many of my peers, I had a must-win altitude, maybe more serious than anyone of them. I wanted to achieve the best possible result at literally any consequences. But unlike my peers, I don't like to participate in activities. Keeping to myself, I don't have many friends and that made my life miserable as it is.

I tried..
I tried to take the first step.
I tried to make conversations.
I don't know if it's just me thinking too much
But they don't seem to want to talk.
Maybe just with me specifically.
Hence, I always end up in an awkward silence after a few Q&A.

Until now, there's only been three types of people in my PM
The girls that talk about shopping and discount all day long
The boys that talk about sports and tech gadgets.
And then, there's me.
If I'm not mistaken, I'm the only one that went to a Chinese school
who frankly can't speak English.
So, there's the classmates.

Well,
The lecturers are all very nice.
I think I'll have a better chance at building teacher-student relationship than with classmates

In the end,
I can't wait to end orientation and start classes.
With books, homework around,
And those extra-curricular activities waiting for me
I won't have to worry about finding people to accompany me anymore.

Quite frankly,
I miss ChongHwa already.

First day of college.
Was very reluctant to walk into the front gate at first.
While I was busy figuring out ways to start conversations on the stairs
A girl which has all the time been around me talked.
Oh, blah blah blah...
Talk talk talk
Went into Multi Purpose Hall
Talk some more..
Orientation!
Then went to class
The much-hated ice-breaking session
And it has to be done in english!
Too bad my class doesn't have any foreigners
Sneaked into the neighbouring INTI with nat's help
Then walk around campus since there's still time
Talks again.
Ended at 2pm, Home, 4pm
Yeap, that's 2 hours.

All in all, the orientation was much better than I had hoped
And my spoken english doesn't seem so bad?
Other than using "more harder" though.
I shall enjoy the following 18 months.

Alrighty..
Orientation will be commencing tomorrow.
Yikes..
As much as I wanted to start college
I still haven't overcome the psychological issues
Who will I meet?
Will they be nice?
What should I say?
Every atom of me is scare of the unknown.

For the sake of the coming eighteen month
I have to be everyone but myself.
I can't imagine being the form-one-me again.

Wish me luck.