I shall close my eyes and pretend nothing happened.
by wenn on Thursday, July 26, 2012
There's so much to bear, so much to express. I don't even know where to begin. Everything has been very frustrating and will probably be so for the rest of my course. Oh yes. I do think about many things other than my academics. Sometimes, I think too much and throw myself into depression which make me more useless than I already am.
I feel like shouting my heart out, with hopes that all the strangling troubles will somehow also be released from within me and leave me in peace to pursue what I perceived as relevant to my future. But truth is, shouting doesn't help, neither does crying and there's only so much I can describe using my limited vocabulary. How I wish that there's someone out there who understands me inside out, who can read my mind and direct me onto the correct path.
Being in the grey zone doesn't feel good at all. Everything is vague, nothing is clear. The way ahead is shaded by mist. Even the signs are misleading.
I'm standing on the edge of cliff in the dark, I have no idea which direction is solid ground and which way would condemn me to the abyss. I'm now standing my ground, unsure of what lies ahead. Do I take a a leap of faith? Should I? By the looks of it, the ground beneath me would not hold for long. It's just a matter of time before it collapse and allow darkness to take hold of my essence.
I wish, for a change that I would just let go of whatever principle I've been holding onto and somehow acquire the courage to free my mind and heart.
I'm standing on the edge of cliff in the dark, I have no idea which direction is solid ground and which way would condemn me to the abyss. I'm now standing my ground, unsure of what lies ahead. Do I take a a leap of faith? Should I? By the looks of it, the ground beneath me would not hold for long. It's just a matter of time before it collapse and allow darkness to take hold of my essence.
I wish, for a change that I would just let go of whatever principle I've been holding onto and somehow acquire the courage to free my mind and heart.
emotion
by wenn on Sunday, July 15, 2012
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better for me to not be in science. From my own observations of myself over so many years of science, I found only traces of myself that fits the descriptions of science student while most of me is just too obsessed with art-related topics.
Science students have to have an analytical and reason-driven mind, which means emotion has minimal effect on them. As far as I'm concerned, that just means that they will find answers to their question whether they are helped or otherwise. They are also never satisfied with vague answers. Everything has to be clear and straight to the point.
Me? I have never strive hard enough for anything to blossom. My only passion that has lasted the years was my love for reading. I just love the way simple sentences sway my feeling and take away everything that bothers me. Basically, reading is my only escape from reality, somewhere, if I have the chance, I would not want to return to. Reality is just too complicated for me. There's too much to worry about. As much as they claimed that the modern world is driven by science, it's still overflowed with emotions. Emotion is so delicate, and it's too much for mere human to control.
Do I love science as much as I think I do?
Is it truly so?
by wenn on Sunday, July 1, 2012
I never knew how to express myself, not even with Chinese which I'm most familiar with. There is simply no words to describe that feeling, a scorching sensation which is burning me from the inside. A three hour session today with my confidants ease my mind by a little but it's still not enough to point me to enlightenment. In that short time, we talked, debated and argued about politics, economics, education and even LGBT issues. I do enjoyed conversing in a productive way. But somehow, I still craved for something a bit more intimate, to share my deepest fear and secret, to seek comfort in the arms of those whom I trust. But then, I was never brave enough to share. It's like being totally naked in front of them, without anything to cover my flaws and imperfections. By keeping everything to myself, I'm torturing myself, forming an invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the world. Locking out all those who would otherwise have the ability to support me when I finally snap.
I need a twin or maybe someone else who understands my every detail. Someone who can stand in my point of view and tell me what's the right course of action.
I promised that education will forever be in the first place. But is it so?