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double edged blade

by wenn on Saturday, October 27, 2012

Amidst AS finals, yet here I am, drowned in emotions, when I should be devoting my attention to physics. Stress, it may be, then it would be easily solvable as everything shall return to normal in one month's time. I do hope so. It was a beautiful surprise and I'm reluctant to let it go. But what can I do but to sit by and watch it slip through my fingers, leaving scars all over.

Be strong, my mind says. The temptation is only sorrow coated with temporary satisfaction. But alas, I gave in yet again.

Emotion. A double-sided blade indeed.
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by wenn on Saturday, October 6, 2012

For some reason, I don't have that stressful feeling I used to have before every major exams. Trials results were nowhere near what I should achieve. And now, actual is the final way for me to prove my worth, if there's any. A week more for preparation. I hope I won't screw this. If I do, so shall the last illumination of my future.

Recent events prompted me to rethink my decision to so-called betray my high school by not staying for UEC. If I stayed, I would, no doubt still be suffering in that zombie world. The sheer thoughts of those mountainous exercises, endless exams, constant competition, sleepless nights still send shiver up my spine. But then, I can't help but miss that life I used to be tired of. Well, I guess Senior 1 would be the first to be ruled out. I missed blocking off all other lessons  to solve those insanely complicated calculus questions and the sense of accomplishment that follows after solving them. But most of all, I just missed being busy. I wonder what would it really be like if I did stay. Five years of suffering should have given me immunity that might last for one last year. 

I'm not saying A level's easy. It has its own standard, just not what I'm accustomed to. And college life is definitely more free than in high school. Less rules, less homework and more sleep. But other than that, college didn't give me that much free time either. So, what I'm going through now is roughly the same. The English version of UEC with easier maths and physics that focus more on theories? I guess. I have to get rid of that thought that I'm better. I am not, in any way, better than any kebangsaan people. Many outdid me and many are more hardworking than me. I'm just better in the sense that I have some residual knowledge which won't last for long. Biology clearly proved so.

Autism, a mental condition characterised by great difficulty in communicating and forming relationships. Okay, probably not that serious. But maybe I should stay away from people. Just to save the hassle of being everyone but myself. This has been on top of my list of rule from the beginning of the year. Now comes the consequences of my violation.
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by wenn on Saturday, September 22, 2012

Everything is done and submitted. So, I guess I'm supposed to bid farewell to UK now. The fact has been staring me right in the face for the whole time. Aptitude, the innate ability. The test had just confirmed the fact that I'm not a suitable candidate. That path is not meant for me. I don't have the necessary mindset and ability to be a doctor. For something that I'm sure I won't get, I have wasted weeks, 590 ringgit, 100 pound and another 23 pound.

Edinburgh. Leeds. Leicester. Bristol. 

Well, at least I still get to keep my first choice, Leeds and Leicester get to move forward. Due to my pathetic score, I had to give up Glasgow and substitute it with Bristol. But Bristol has never even crossed my mind before. I hope I didn't make the wrong choice. But it's not that they matter anyway. Choosing all these top-notch universities for a course so competitive, how do I even compete with all those geniuses? A medical student who failed biology? Who in the right mind would give me an offer?

I shall have deeper thoughts before applying to these other universities.
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Rid me of this.

by wenn on Friday, September 14, 2012

It's already September. Three more months and the year is coming to an end. It's not time for retrospection yet. And I don't have time for that now. Just that this is truly an eventful year. Things happened, some done and some undone.

After so many nights of struggles, I have finally a final draft. At least, one that I'm satisfied with. But somehow, it still doesn't seem impressive enough. Maybe because I'm not fully convinced yet? And probably because of some recent events that have thrown me off the track. How can I be sure I'm suitable when emotions have such adverse effect on me? By right, I'm supposed to focus on achieving the best result. Not fixing my mind on something that I've vowed to keep away from. College is only suppose to challenge me academically.

Well, writing the statement did have some benefit. Before this, everything was sort of in a mess, hiding in every corner of my mind. Now, I guess they're more or less sorted. But then, I also saw how incompetent I am compared to the supposed image of medical students. I still can't picture myself as someone so perfect. But I don't have any more time to think this through. I can only persist and hope that this is truly what I want. All this time, I've been so self-centred. I've never considered the impact of my decision to my family, or anyone for that matter. I have no idea what I'm writing. I tend to lose the ability to process relevant information when I'm under stress and this just prove that.

My choices of university are still empty. I have a rough idea of which university I want. But since even me myself don't believe I can get in, is there still any meaning in applying?

I have been craving for this holiday weeks before trials even started. But then, being alone at home wasn't as much enjoyment as It used to be.
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It's my burden to bear.

by wenn on Thursday, September 6, 2012

I was right all along. It's just that I've chosen to listen to my heart where my mind has been telling me not to. And now, the consequences are only mine to bear. Deep within the crevasse that is cold and dark, a part of me had died. I will try to reach for light and warmth on the peak. Climbing with my bare hands, I know more wounds will add to the ones already there. Once on the peak, It will always be on my mind to keep away from the edge of the cliff.

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the little things.

by wenn on Friday, August 24, 2012

It's that day of the year again. The day that is full of surprises and miracles. And maybe some of my more close-to-Earth wishes might come true. Since it's my day, I shall allow myself to fantasize for a while. I know my skills aren't that great and have probably been so under-polished that it's impossible to speed my fingering anymore. Oh, well. But I still want a new instrument. I'm desperately craving for an Irish Tin Whistle. And an escapade would be nice to release me from all these tiring studying, without having anything on my conscience. Unrealistic ones, I shall keep to myself.

I have a whole day to myself. Should I be responsible and carry out my obligations or just focus on the present? Asking the question was only to prove to mind that I'm still sane, which might not last for long.

Growing up does has it excitement. But the dark side of it sometimes outweigh its counterpart. Yes. When I was little, my world was simple and has nothing but happy moments, the only sorrow I had was not being able to reach the books I desired on the then-gigantic bookshelves that could have collapsed on me anytime. Now that I'm 18, everything became complicated and I found myself hopelessly inane to handle the complexity. Of course it didn't happen overnight that I changed my perception of the world. It was a long and deary journey. The world is so delicate and has been so harshly handled that the flaws are countless. Therefore, I now found myself to be irreversibly attracted to the simplicity of the fictional worlds that are my only sanctuary. And as I grew up, I became a slave to emotion. I hate myself for being so easily swayed by emotions. The good ones, I would treasure. But more often than not, they tend to be bad ones that disturn my routine. Yet another large obstruction in making my decision.

Somewhere in all those nights and little gestures, I fell into the crevasse that I have been so cautiously avoiding.
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ignorance is bliss

by wenn on Friday, August 10, 2012

There's only so much space in my mind. But the troubles just can't seem to stop regenerating themselves. Specifically, a problem that could have been easily resolved if I were in my right mind. Yea. And I'm not quite of sound mind recently.

However lifeless it may sound, study is still my top priority. And as much as I don't want it to be, I don't have many choices. I'm fully aware that life isn't just about tangible achievements. Too bad I wasn't raise to actually live that life. There's so many things I wanted to experience. But I guess I'm just too afraid to ask for it. I have carelessly allowing it to roam freely and now it's lost.

I have probably confined myself in such a way that my mind will forcibly reject all other possible pathways. But recent, I guess I could say indications has led me to believe otherwise. The hierarchy that was once so firmly etched in my mind has all along been inaccurate. Therefore, I find myself to be in doubt once again.

That fear in my heart has consumed my courage. What's left of it isn't even enough to allow me to voice out how scared I am to face all of this alone. All of this might sound stupid even to myself after a while. Nevertheless, I shall allow my heart to overpower my mind for this one night.

I. Should. Let. Go.

The first indication is obvious. I can't handle stress. If everything goes according to current trend, very soon I'll be stripped of the luxury to write. By then, I'm won't be far from total collapse.
I don't think I can handle it anymore. There's no reason for this. Hence, there won't be any positive outcome. To give up early means I'll be spare of the misery later. 
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