the deepest chasm
by wenn on Sunday, April 29, 2012
I have no idea why am I feeling so freaking depressed right now. Probably because things didn't turn out as I hoped? Bah, nothing ever turned out the way I wanted them to be anyway.
I have no control over my subconscious. A slight disturb from the external environment, then It'll go haywire and render me useless until the problem's been solved or something major happens. It's very stressful. But shouldn't I be used to it already? Stress is just a force to keep me moving, nothing more. I have no exact word for that hateful feeling, which is eating me from the inside. I just feel like everything I did and do will be in vain. Now, I have no idea what to do. Or rather, I'm afraid of what lies ahead.
Choosing medicine was an escape from all those trouble my peers are facing now but I ended up with even more trouble. I have no idea why in the world I have chosen this insanely expensive course. The medical field in Malaysia is very much saturated already, thanks to our all almighty government, who apparently isn't educated enough to value quality instead of quantity. Being a doctor is no more a job respect by many as in the past as patients nowadays know even more, most of it from Wikipedia and Google. I was never enthusiastic in anything long enough for it to blossom. I'm quite sure this is no exception.
For some reason, everything is required of a medical student. They have to excel in everything. Leadership, teamwork, community services, desire to help, perfect academic and extracurricular achievements are only among a few in a long list of basic requirements. Further more, the tuition fees for medical school is the most insanely expensive such that you'll get greater satisfaction by throwing your money into the ocean. I have nothing. I am the perfect example of how not to get into medical school.
Having dreams meant nothing, if the dreamer didn't strive to achieve the dream. In my personal statement, I need to convince the whole world that I am the perfect candidate. How do I do that without even convincing myself?
I have no control over my subconscious. A slight disturb from the external environment, then It'll go haywire and render me useless until the problem's been solved or something major happens. It's very stressful. But shouldn't I be used to it already? Stress is just a force to keep me moving, nothing more. I have no exact word for that hateful feeling, which is eating me from the inside. I just feel like everything I did and do will be in vain. Now, I have no idea what to do. Or rather, I'm afraid of what lies ahead.
Choosing medicine was an escape from all those trouble my peers are facing now but I ended up with even more trouble. I have no idea why in the world I have chosen this insanely expensive course. The medical field in Malaysia is very much saturated already, thanks to our all almighty government, who apparently isn't educated enough to value quality instead of quantity. Being a doctor is no more a job respect by many as in the past as patients nowadays know even more, most of it from Wikipedia and Google. I was never enthusiastic in anything long enough for it to blossom. I'm quite sure this is no exception.
For some reason, everything is required of a medical student. They have to excel in everything. Leadership, teamwork, community services, desire to help, perfect academic and extracurricular achievements are only among a few in a long list of basic requirements. Further more, the tuition fees for medical school is the most insanely expensive such that you'll get greater satisfaction by throwing your money into the ocean. I have nothing. I am the perfect example of how not to get into medical school.
Having dreams meant nothing, if the dreamer didn't strive to achieve the dream. In my personal statement, I need to convince the whole world that I am the perfect candidate. How do I do that without even convincing myself?
determination
by wenn on Monday, April 16, 2012
A wish, as defined by the dictionary, is a hope or desire for something. Desire comes from the mind, either consciously or unconsciously. I desire to be a medical doctor. It was a wish I never truly have a reason for. It was probably, as my family commented, for self-satisfaction, to quench my thirst for the top of the food chain. But that was not so, I chose science to give me my best shot in the future and biology was the subject that has fascinated me the most. The flawlessness and the delicacy of human physiology, particularly the human brain has never failed to amaze me. I knew it then. I was like bee, attracted to honey. But like everything else, it has a extreme downside. Hence, I was indecisive and that made my wish a dangerous one.
An experience in the hospital had led me to question my choice once more. The clock stroke 12 in the afternoon. It was time for lunch. But the nurse opened the heavy, wooden and seemingly glamorous door, letting yet another patient in. The patient looked pale, as if sickness had sucked the life out of him. But there was only so much the doctor could do, prescribe painkiller to ease the torturous pain. Being present in the same room, I could feel the patients' anguish as if they were mine, the torment lied deep within their heart and they can only hope for it to heal over time. My heart churned at the sight of them. However, I could not see compassion in the doctor's tired yet professional eyes. Somehow, relieving the patients' pain had become nothing more than just an obligation. The pure desire to help people was not there anymore.
In the morning, we did medical ward rounds. First, it was the High Dependency Ward. As the doctor put it, this is where they send the patients who are very ill but not ill enough to be in the Intensive Care Unit, in which I saw sights that I could never forget. The patients there could not even breathe on their own and all of them were unconsciously hooked to a machine. Dozen of tubes were transporting substance in and out of the almost-lifeless body. But still, family members wish for a factitious miracle. I can't help but wonder if the patients ever hope to leave the world in peace instead of suffering so much and condemning their families into sorrow.
It so happened that the doctor I shadowed is a nephrologist. Hence, the Dialysis centre I went, with much excitement. This was where the inspirational magic happened. The majority of patients were already in their twilight years. But most of them were friendly and cheerful despite of the intense pain. I could have been fooled by their blissful façade if they weren't in a Dialysis centre. Through this, I saw the frailness of the human body and how important hope is in sustaining a person's life. Subconsciously, it strengthen my determination albeit the discouragement from most doctors.
Given the fact that most doctors wanted to lead a different life, I can only start to imagine how demanding the medical field is. All the discouragements, the tuition fees, the stringent selection procedure, stressful lifestyle and many other disadvantages should have been able to stray me away from that path I have so naively chosen. But the satisfaction I would get by saving life and the knowledge I could gain would always find its way back into my consciousness, telling me that I will definitely regret not choosing medicine. Hence, the two reasons fought a lot, in which the latter wins constantly. But the cons will still disorientate me every once in a while, leaving standing on the same spot, indecisive as to my final heading.
A respiratory specialist told me something that I found quite interesting. She said that Malaysian students were brought up believing that only professions like lawyers, engineers and doctors can insure one's future, with doctors being the most popular. As much as I wanted to deny, I find that this was somehow, the pathetic truth strongly supported by statistical data. Quoting most of the doctors, being in the medical field requires commitments, passion and the most importantly, stamina. Accept all of that and medicine will prove to be a very rewarding career.
This wish of mine can be realized through constant hard work and a fiery passion that can never go out. Commitment and sacrifice will have to be made. I understand that it is obstinate of me to refuse changes and to block suggestions and advices from people who have walked down the same path. But if I don't realize my wish, my life will never be completed. Hence, I will be persistent in my choice now, something I will probably regret in the future.
An experience in the hospital had led me to question my choice once more. The clock stroke 12 in the afternoon. It was time for lunch. But the nurse opened the heavy, wooden and seemingly glamorous door, letting yet another patient in. The patient looked pale, as if sickness had sucked the life out of him. But there was only so much the doctor could do, prescribe painkiller to ease the torturous pain. Being present in the same room, I could feel the patients' anguish as if they were mine, the torment lied deep within their heart and they can only hope for it to heal over time. My heart churned at the sight of them. However, I could not see compassion in the doctor's tired yet professional eyes. Somehow, relieving the patients' pain had become nothing more than just an obligation. The pure desire to help people was not there anymore.
In the morning, we did medical ward rounds. First, it was the High Dependency Ward. As the doctor put it, this is where they send the patients who are very ill but not ill enough to be in the Intensive Care Unit, in which I saw sights that I could never forget. The patients there could not even breathe on their own and all of them were unconsciously hooked to a machine. Dozen of tubes were transporting substance in and out of the almost-lifeless body. But still, family members wish for a factitious miracle. I can't help but wonder if the patients ever hope to leave the world in peace instead of suffering so much and condemning their families into sorrow.
It so happened that the doctor I shadowed is a nephrologist. Hence, the Dialysis centre I went, with much excitement. This was where the inspirational magic happened. The majority of patients were already in their twilight years. But most of them were friendly and cheerful despite of the intense pain. I could have been fooled by their blissful façade if they weren't in a Dialysis centre. Through this, I saw the frailness of the human body and how important hope is in sustaining a person's life. Subconsciously, it strengthen my determination albeit the discouragement from most doctors.
Given the fact that most doctors wanted to lead a different life, I can only start to imagine how demanding the medical field is. All the discouragements, the tuition fees, the stringent selection procedure, stressful lifestyle and many other disadvantages should have been able to stray me away from that path I have so naively chosen. But the satisfaction I would get by saving life and the knowledge I could gain would always find its way back into my consciousness, telling me that I will definitely regret not choosing medicine. Hence, the two reasons fought a lot, in which the latter wins constantly. But the cons will still disorientate me every once in a while, leaving standing on the same spot, indecisive as to my final heading.
A respiratory specialist told me something that I found quite interesting. She said that Malaysian students were brought up believing that only professions like lawyers, engineers and doctors can insure one's future, with doctors being the most popular. As much as I wanted to deny, I find that this was somehow, the pathetic truth strongly supported by statistical data. Quoting most of the doctors, being in the medical field requires commitments, passion and the most importantly, stamina. Accept all of that and medicine will prove to be a very rewarding career.
This wish of mine can be realized through constant hard work and a fiery passion that can never go out. Commitment and sacrifice will have to be made. I understand that it is obstinate of me to refuse changes and to block suggestions and advices from people who have walked down the same path. But if I don't realize my wish, my life will never be completed. Hence, I will be persistent in my choice now, something I will probably regret in the future.
Chance.
by wenn on
Tomorrow, or should I say later today would be my first day in shadowing a doctor, call it clinical attachment if you will. I'm still confused by these two terms.
I haven't felt this kind of excitement in a very long time. Probably because I have grown oblivious to my surrounding, learned to enclose myself in a shell. All those thoughts of things I might be able to do, to experience are pure fascination. Gosh, I'm even coming up with conversations on potential happenings. Well. This is probably my best chance in determining if I really want that kind of future. I'm saying that I don't care but I can't predict the future. In 10 years' time, I might be cursing myself for choosing this and end up regretting something I thought I loved.
I hope that this would give me the strength to continue walking, or rather running down this road, in which I can't ever stop if I've started. Or discourage me now to spare me the pain later.
inspirational improvement?
by wenn on Thursday, April 12, 2012
The second time. The second scar, though not as intense.
Beyond dream. Beyond hardwork, but still not quite enough.
Inspiration. Aspiration. Direction.
Encouragement. Improvement.
Enough disappointment. Enough slack, no regret anymore.
Challenge ahead. Challenge accepted, work for the star.
that moment
by wenn on Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Okay. The government had finally announced the long-awaited Public Service Department scholarship or rather a bursary. Although they sound all the same to me. Well, they have decided to award the bursary to 9A+ people, which sadly, does not include me. I guess I'm experiencing the sour grapes altitude now. All those bad thoughts about PSD are racing in my mind, which kinda make me feel sadder.
I have tried to walk out of the shadow. I'm quite fine as long as I don't hear the word biology, a term I will be hearing everyday until next year June and if I'm successful in securing Medicine, forever. How can it be? I'm not overconfident. I'm almost certain that I can get A+ for biology if not perfect score. The saddest part is that the actual is worse than the trial, which is much harder. Now, you see. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself again. I hate feeling this way. How is it that everyone else can do it while I can't. Is it because I'm stupid? or I didn't work hard enough? Define hardworking. That biology scar definitely will not heal.
Even though I didn't score well, I still don't have the motivation to study now for A level. It's already four months since college started and I didn't, for a single day, carry out my study plan.
身心伤痕累累，内心百般无奈
意志消沉散漫，前途迷蒙渺茫
疑问解答何处，无能愚钝慵懒
I have tried to walk out of the shadow. I'm quite fine as long as I don't hear the word biology, a term I will be hearing everyday until next year June and if I'm successful in securing Medicine, forever. How can it be? I'm not overconfident. I'm almost certain that I can get A+ for biology if not perfect score. The saddest part is that the actual is worse than the trial, which is much harder. Now, you see. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself again. I hate feeling this way. How is it that everyone else can do it while I can't. Is it because I'm stupid? or I didn't work hard enough? Define hardworking. That biology scar definitely will not heal.
Even though I didn't score well, I still don't have the motivation to study now for A level. It's already four months since college started and I didn't, for a single day, carry out my study plan.
身心伤痕累累，内心百般无奈
意志消沉散漫，前途迷蒙渺茫
疑问解答何处，无能愚钝慵懒