the little things.
by wenn on Friday, August 24, 2012
It's that day of the year again. The day that is full of surprises and miracles. And maybe some of my more close-to-Earth wishes might come true. Since it's my day, I shall allow myself to fantasize for a while. I know my skills aren't that great and have probably been so under-polished that it's impossible to speed my fingering anymore. Oh, well. But I still want a new instrument. I'm desperately craving for an Irish Tin Whistle. And an escapade would be nice to release me from all these tiring studying, without having anything on my conscience. Unrealistic ones, I shall keep to myself.
I have a whole day to myself. Should I be responsible and carry out my obligations or just focus on the present? Asking the question was only to prove to mind that I'm still sane, which might not last for long.
I have a whole day to myself. Should I be responsible and carry out my obligations or just focus on the present? Asking the question was only to prove to mind that I'm still sane, which might not last for long.
Growing up does has it excitement. But the dark side of it sometimes outweigh its counterpart. Yes. When I was little, my world was simple and has nothing but happy moments, the only sorrow I had was not being able to reach the books I desired on the then-gigantic bookshelves that could have collapsed on me anytime. Now that I'm 18, everything became complicated and I found myself hopelessly inane to handle the complexity. Of course it didn't happen overnight that I changed my perception of the world. It was a long and deary journey. The world is so delicate and has been so harshly handled that the flaws are countless. Therefore, I now found myself to be irreversibly attracted to the simplicity of the fictional worlds that are my only sanctuary. And as I grew up, I became a slave to emotion. I hate myself for being so easily swayed by emotions. The good ones, I would treasure. But more often than not, they tend to be bad ones that disturn my routine. Yet another large obstruction in making my decision.
Somewhere in all those nights and little gestures, I fell into the crevasse that I have been so cautiously avoiding.
ignorance is bliss
by wenn on Friday, August 10, 2012
There's only so much space in my mind. But the troubles just can't seem to stop regenerating themselves. Specifically, a problem that could have been easily resolved if I were in my right mind. Yea. And I'm not quite of sound mind recently.
However lifeless it may sound, study is still my top priority. And as much as I don't want it to be, I don't have many choices. I'm fully aware that life isn't just about tangible achievements. Too bad I wasn't raise to actually live that life. There's so many things I wanted to experience. But I guess I'm just too afraid to ask for it. I have carelessly allowing it to roam freely and now it's lost.
I have probably confined myself in such a way that my mind will forcibly reject all other possible pathways. But recent, I guess I could say indications has led me to believe otherwise. The hierarchy that was once so firmly etched in my mind has all along been inaccurate. Therefore, I find myself to be in doubt once again.
I have probably confined myself in such a way that my mind will forcibly reject all other possible pathways. But recent, I guess I could say indications has led me to believe otherwise. The hierarchy that was once so firmly etched in my mind has all along been inaccurate. Therefore, I find myself to be in doubt once again.
That fear in my heart has consumed my courage. What's left of it isn't even enough to allow me to voice out how scared I am to face all of this alone. All of this might sound stupid even to myself after a while. Nevertheless, I shall allow my heart to overpower my mind for this one night.
I. Should. Let. Go.
The first indication is obvious. I can't handle stress. If everything goes according to current trend, very soon I'll be stripped of the luxury to write. By then, I'm won't be far from total collapse.
I don't think I can handle it anymore. There's no reason for this. Hence, there won't be any positive outcome. To give up early means I'll be spare of the misery later.
I. Should. Let. Go.
The first indication is obvious. I can't handle stress. If everything goes according to current trend, very soon I'll be stripped of the luxury to write. By then, I'm won't be far from total collapse.
I don't think I can handle it anymore. There's no reason for this. Hence, there won't be any positive outcome. To give up early means I'll be spare of the misery later.
Give in. Fight back.
by wenn on Sunday, August 5, 2012
It was a memorable night for the nation. What's more precious is the person who caused all this to be possible. His persistence is no doubt something worth learning. I'm not a fan and so, I'm not fit to judge. But it's truly amazing how sports can expose the unity that we are capable of.
In the eyes, I saw a familiar expression. Of tiredness, of disappointment. How many times have I experienced all these? But in comparison, mine was meagre like a tiny particle in the vastness of the universe. And yet, I allow myself to grieve when in my heart, I knew I've never really give my best. I have no right to mourn.
Trials is just around the corner. And this time, it is not SPM. It is the one that will determine my future. Three weeks. That's all I have to prepare.
The darkness is once again closing in on me. It's up to me to either give in or fight back.
I shall close my eyes and pretend nothing happened.
by wenn on Thursday, July 26, 2012
There's so much to bear, so much to express. I don't even know where to begin. Everything has been very frustrating and will probably be so for the rest of my course. Oh yes. I do think about many things other than my academics. Sometimes, I think too much and throw myself into depression which make me more useless than I already am.
I feel like shouting my heart out, with hopes that all the strangling troubles will somehow also be released from within me and leave me in peace to pursue what I perceived as relevant to my future. But truth is, shouting doesn't help, neither does crying and there's only so much I can describe using my limited vocabulary. How I wish that there's someone out there who understands me inside out, who can read my mind and direct me onto the correct path.
Being in the grey zone doesn't feel good at all. Everything is vague, nothing is clear. The way ahead is shaded by mist. Even the signs are misleading.
I'm standing on the edge of cliff in the dark, I have no idea which direction is solid ground and which way would condemn me to the abyss. I'm now standing my ground, unsure of what lies ahead. Do I take a a leap of faith? Should I? By the looks of it, the ground beneath me would not hold for long. It's just a matter of time before it collapse and allow darkness to take hold of my essence.
I wish, for a change that I would just let go of whatever principle I've been holding onto and somehow acquire the courage to free my mind and heart.
I'm standing on the edge of cliff in the dark, I have no idea which direction is solid ground and which way would condemn me to the abyss. I'm now standing my ground, unsure of what lies ahead. Do I take a a leap of faith? Should I? By the looks of it, the ground beneath me would not hold for long. It's just a matter of time before it collapse and allow darkness to take hold of my essence.
I wish, for a change that I would just let go of whatever principle I've been holding onto and somehow acquire the courage to free my mind and heart.
emotion
by wenn on Sunday, July 15, 2012
Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better for me to not be in science. From my own observations of myself over so many years of science, I found only traces of myself that fits the descriptions of science student while most of me is just too obsessed with art-related topics.
Science students have to have an analytical and reason-driven mind, which means emotion has minimal effect on them. As far as I'm concerned, that just means that they will find answers to their question whether they are helped or otherwise. They are also never satisfied with vague answers. Everything has to be clear and straight to the point.
Me? I have never strive hard enough for anything to blossom. My only passion that has lasted the years was my love for reading. I just love the way simple sentences sway my feeling and take away everything that bothers me. Basically, reading is my only escape from reality, somewhere, if I have the chance, I would not want to return to. Reality is just too complicated for me. There's too much to worry about. As much as they claimed that the modern world is driven by science, it's still overflowed with emotions. Emotion is so delicate, and it's too much for mere human to control.
Do I love science as much as I think I do?
Is it truly so?
by wenn on Sunday, July 1, 2012
I never knew how to express myself, not even with Chinese which I'm most familiar with. There is simply no words to describe that feeling, a scorching sensation which is burning me from the inside. A three hour session today with my confidants ease my mind by a little but it's still not enough to point me to enlightenment. In that short time, we talked, debated and argued about politics, economics, education and even LGBT issues. I do enjoyed conversing in a productive way. But somehow, I still craved for something a bit more intimate, to share my deepest fear and secret, to seek comfort in the arms of those whom I trust. But then, I was never brave enough to share. It's like being totally naked in front of them, without anything to cover my flaws and imperfections. By keeping everything to myself, I'm torturing myself, forming an invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the world. Locking out all those who would otherwise have the ability to support me when I finally snap.
I need a twin or maybe someone else who understands my every detail. Someone who can stand in my point of view and tell me what's the right course of action.
I promised that education will forever be in the first place. But is it so?
There will be no Plan B
by wenn on Saturday, June 30, 2012
Shall I make it as a list? I miss writing a lot.
Well. It seems just only yesterday that I finished Thinking Skill paper 1. But it's already the last Friday of the holiday. It's not quite exact to say that I've been productive during the holidays but not to say I'm not. Basically, I went for another attachment. The first four days were practically wasted away but I shall not delve into that. From Friday until the next week, I was fortunate enough to be granted permission to observe real-life operations. I was literally beside the surgeon during the operations. It didn't exactly shock me to my core but at least I know it doesn't scare me, not the way I thought it would. Now that I've fixed my path, I shall focus on achieving it. I will not allow anything to stray me away from that path.
What has happened before seems to be happening again. The last time it happened, I was devastated and the effects never subside. The human mind, at least mine is so complicated that sometimes even I don't know why am I so persistent in a particular topic. I've sworn to not let history repeat itself but it seems that as day passed, it become harder to be kept at bay. Right now, everything is just as it has been before. The last time it ended disastrous. It's better not to even begin this time. And yet, my mind tells me otherwise.
Well. It seems just only yesterday that I finished Thinking Skill paper 1. But it's already the last Friday of the holiday. It's not quite exact to say that I've been productive during the holidays but not to say I'm not. Basically, I went for another attachment. The first four days were practically wasted away but I shall not delve into that. From Friday until the next week, I was fortunate enough to be granted permission to observe real-life operations. I was literally beside the surgeon during the operations. It didn't exactly shock me to my core but at least I know it doesn't scare me, not the way I thought it would. Now that I've fixed my path, I shall focus on achieving it. I will not allow anything to stray me away from that path.
What has happened before seems to be happening again. The last time it happened, I was devastated and the effects never subside. The human mind, at least mine is so complicated that sometimes even I don't know why am I so persistent in a particular topic. I've sworn to not let history repeat itself but it seems that as day passed, it become harder to be kept at bay. Right now, everything is just as it has been before. The last time it ended disastrous. It's better not to even begin this time. And yet, my mind tells me otherwise.