Genesis of Life

It was a memorable night for the nation. What's more precious is the person who caused all this to be possible. His persistence is no doubt something worth learning. I'm not a fan and so, I'm not fit to judge. But it's truly amazing how sports can expose the unity that we are capable of.

There's so much to bear, so much to express. I don't even know where to begin. Everything has been very frustrating and will probably be so for the rest of my course. Oh yes. I do think about many things other than my academics. Sometimes, I think too much and throw myself into depression which make me more useless than I already am.

Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better for me to not be in science. From my own observations of myself over so many years of science, I found only traces of myself that fits the descriptions of science student while most of me is just too obsessed with art-related topics. 

I never knew how to express myself, not even with Chinese which I'm most familiar with. There is simply no words to describe that feeling, a scorching sensation which is burning me from the inside. A three hour session today with my confidants ease my mind by a little but it's still not enough to point me to enlightenment. In that short time, we talked, debated and argued about politics, economics, education and even LGBT issues. I do enjoyed conversing in a productive way. But somehow, I still craved for something a bit more intimate, to share my deepest fear and secret, to seek comfort in the arms of those whom I trust. But then, I was never brave enough to share. It's like being totally naked in front of them, without anything to cover my flaws and imperfections. By keeping everything to myself, I'm torturing myself, forming an invisible barrier between myself and the rest of the world. Locking out all those who would otherwise have the ability to support me when I finally snap.

Shall I make it as a list? I miss writing a lot.

Well. It seems just only yesterday that I finished Thinking Skill paper 1. But it's already the last Friday of the holiday. It's not quite exact to say that I've been productive during the holidays but not to say I'm not. Basically, I went for another attachment. The first four days were practically wasted away but I shall not delve into that. From Friday until the next week, I was fortunate enough to be granted permission to observe real-life operations. I was literally beside the surgeon during the operations. It didn't exactly shock me to my core but at least I know it doesn't scare me, not the way I thought it would. Now that I've fixed my path, I shall focus on achieving it. I will not allow anything to stray me away from that path.

What has happened before seems to be happening again. The last time it happened, I was devastated and the effects never subside. The human mind, at least mine is so complicated that sometimes even I don't know why am I so persistent in a particular topic. I've sworn to not let history repeat itself but it seems that as day passed, it become harder to be kept at bay. Right now, everything is just as it has been before. The last time it ended disastrous. It's better not to even begin this time. And yet, my mind tells me otherwise.

Semester 1 is coming to an end in a 4 weeks. But before that, there's the very important examination that I simply have to ace even if it means giving up my life. I aware that I am giving myself too much stress, which might ultimately end in disaster.

Writing was the only way I could express my feelings and thoughts that would have otherwise bugged me for a long time. While millions of thoughts are racing in my mind, I can't find anything specific to write about. I'm at a loss for words. Somehow, my fingers don't have the courage to start typing. It's like someone, or rather something is squeezing my heart very tightly until there's no place for it to move.

What more could I possibly want? I have gotten much more than I deserve. I can't ask for more.