Genesis of Life

Growing up does has it excitement. But the dark side of it sometimes outweigh its counterpart. Yes. When I was little, my world was simple and has nothing but happy moments, the only sorrow I had was not being able to reach the books I desired on the then-gigantic bookshelves that could have collapsed on me anytime. Now that I'm 18, everything became complicated and I found myself hopelessly inane to handle the complexity. Of course it didn't happen overnight that I changed my perception of the world. It was a long and deary journey. The world is so delicate and has been so harshly handled that the flaws are countless. Therefore, I now found myself to be irreversibly attracted to the simplicity of the fictional worlds that are my only sanctuary. And as I grew up, I became a slave to emotion. I hate myself for being so easily swayed by emotions. The good ones, I would treasure. But more often than not, they tend to be bad ones that disturn my routine. Yet another large obstruction in making my decision.

Somewhere in all those nights and little gestures, I fell into the crevasse that I have been so cautiously avoiding.

However lifeless it may sound, study is still my top priority. And as much as I don't want it to be, I don't have many choices. I'm fully aware that life isn't just about tangible achievements. Too bad I wasn't raise to actually live that life. There's so many things I wanted to experience. But I guess I'm just too afraid to ask for it. I have carelessly allowing it to roam freely and now it's lost.

I have probably confined myself in such a way that my mind will forcibly reject all other possible pathways. But recent, I guess I could say indications has led me to believe otherwise. The hierarchy that was once so firmly etched in my mind has all along been inaccurate. Therefore, I find myself to be in doubt once again.

That fear in my heart has consumed my courage. What's left of it isn't even enough to allow me to voice out how scared I am to face all of this alone. All of this might sound stupid even to myself after a while. Nevertheless, I shall allow my heart to overpower my mind for this one night.

I. Should. Let. Go.

The first indication is obvious. I can't handle stress. If everything goes according to current trend, very soon I'll be stripped of the luxury to write. By then, I'm won't be far from total collapse.
I don't think I can handle it anymore. There's no reason for this. Hence, there won't be any positive outcome. To give up early means I'll be spare of the misery later. 

In the eyes, I saw a familiar expression. Of tiredness, of disappointment. How many times have I experienced all these? But in comparison, mine was meagre like a tiny particle in the vastness of the universe. And yet, I allow myself to grieve when in my heart, I knew I've never really give my best. I have no right to mourn.

Trials is just around the corner. And this time, it is not SPM. It is the one that will determine my future. Three weeks. That's all I have to prepare. 

The darkness is once again closing in on me. It's up to me to either give in or fight back.

I feel like shouting my heart out, with hopes that all the strangling troubles will somehow also be released from within me and leave me in peace to pursue what I perceived as relevant to my future. But truth is, shouting doesn't help, neither does crying and there's only so much I can describe using my limited vocabulary. How I wish that there's someone out there who understands me inside out, who can read my mind and direct me onto the correct path.

Being in the grey zone doesn't feel good at all. Everything is vague, nothing is clear. The way ahead is shaded by mist. Even the signs are misleading.
I'm standing on the edge of cliff in the dark, I have no idea which direction is solid ground and which way would condemn me to the abyss. I'm now standing my ground, unsure of what lies ahead. Do I take a a leap of faith? Should I? By the looks of it, the ground beneath me would not hold for long. It's just a matter of time before it collapse and allow darkness to take hold of my essence.
I wish, for a change that I would just let go of whatever principle I've been holding onto and somehow acquire the courage to free my mind and heart.

Science students have to have an analytical and reason-driven mind, which means emotion has minimal effect on them. As far as I'm concerned, that just means that they will find answers to their question whether they are helped or otherwise. They are also never satisfied with vague answers. Everything has to be clear and straight to the point. 

Me? I have never strive hard enough for anything to blossom. My only passion that has lasted the years was my love for reading. I just love the way simple sentences sway my feeling and take away everything that bothers me. Basically, reading is my only escape from reality, somewhere, if I have the chance, I would not want to return to. Reality is just too complicated for me. There's too much to worry about. As much as they claimed that the modern world is driven by science, it's still overflowed with emotions. Emotion is so delicate, and it's too much for mere human to control. 

Do I love science as much as I think I do?

I need a twin or maybe someone else who understands my every detail. Someone who can stand in my point of view and tell me what's the right course of action.

I promised that education will forever be in the first place. But is it so?