Genesis of Life

Shall I make it as a list? I miss writing a lot.

Well. It seems just only yesterday that I finished Thinking Skill paper 1. But it's already the last Friday of the holiday. It's not quite exact to say that I've been productive during the holidays but not to say I'm not. Basically, I went for another attachment. The first four days were practically wasted away but I shall not delve into that. From Friday until the next week, I was fortunate enough to be granted permission to observe real-life operations. I was literally beside the surgeon during the operations. It didn't exactly shock me to my core but at least I know it doesn't scare me, not the way I thought it would. Now that I've fixed my path, I shall focus on achieving it. I will not allow anything to stray me away from that path.

What has happened before seems to be happening again. The last time it happened, I was devastated and the effects never subside. The human mind, at least mine is so complicated that sometimes even I don't know why am I so persistent in a particular topic. I've sworn to not let history repeat itself but it seems that as day passed, it become harder to be kept at bay. Right now, everything is just as it has been before. The last time it ended disastrous. It's better not to even begin this time. And yet, my mind tells me otherwise.

Semester 1 is coming to an end in a 4 weeks. But before that, there's the very important examination that I simply have to ace even if it means giving up my life. I aware that I am giving myself too much stress, which might ultimately end in disaster.

Writing was the only way I could express my feelings and thoughts that would have otherwise bugged me for a long time. While millions of thoughts are racing in my mind, I can't find anything specific to write about. I'm at a loss for words. Somehow, my fingers don't have the courage to start typing. It's like someone, or rather something is squeezing my heart very tightly until there's no place for it to move.

What more could I possibly want? I have gotten much more than I deserve. I can't ask for more.

I have no idea why am I feeling so freaking depressed right now. Probably because things didn't turn out as I hoped? Bah, nothing ever turned out the way I wanted them to be anyway.

A wish, as defined by the dictionary, is a hope or desire for something. Desire comes from the mind, either consciously or unconsciously. I desire to be a medical doctor. It was a wish I never truly have a reason for. It was probably, as my family commented, for self-satisfaction, to quench my thirst for the top of the food chain. But that was not so, I chose science to give me my best shot in the future and biology was the subject that has fascinated me the most. The flawlessness and the delicacy of human physiology, particularly the human brain has never failed to amaze me. I knew it then. I was like bee, attracted to honey. But like everything else, it has a extreme downside. Hence, I was indecisive and that made my wish a dangerous one.

An experience in the hospital had led me to question my choice once more. The clock stroke 12 in the afternoon. It was time for lunch. But the nurse opened the heavy, wooden and seemingly glamorous door, letting yet another patient in. The patient looked pale, as if sickness had sucked the life out of him. But there was only so much the doctor could do, prescribe painkiller to ease the torturous pain. Being present in the same room, I could feel the patients' anguish as if they were mine, the torment lied deep within their heart and they can only hope for it to heal over time. My heart churned at the sight of them. However, I could not see compassion in the doctor's tired yet professional eyes. Somehow, relieving the patients' pain had become nothing more than just an obligation. The pure desire to help people was not there anymore.

In the morning, we did medical ward rounds. First, it was the High Dependency Ward. As the doctor put it, this is where they send the patients who are very ill but not ill enough to be in the Intensive Care Unit, in which I saw sights that I could never forget. The patients there could not even breathe on their own and all of them were unconsciously hooked to a machine. Dozen of tubes were transporting substance in and out of the almost-lifeless body. But still, family members wish for a factitious miracle. I can't help but wonder if the patients ever hope to leave the world in peace instead of suffering so much and condemning their families into sorrow.

It so happened that the doctor I shadowed is a nephrologist. Hence, the Dialysis centre I went, with much excitement. This was where the inspirational magic happened. The majority of patients were already in their twilight years. But most of them were friendly and cheerful despite of the intense pain. I could have been fooled by their blissful façade if they weren't in a Dialysis centre. Through this, I saw the frailness of the human body and how important hope is in sustaining a person's life. Subconsciously, it strengthen my determination albeit the discouragement from most doctors.

Given the fact that most doctors wanted to lead a different life, I can only start to imagine how demanding the medical field is. All the discouragements, the tuition fees, the stringent selection procedure, stressful lifestyle and many other disadvantages should have been able to stray me away from that path I have so naively chosen. But the satisfaction I would get by saving life and the knowledge I could gain would always find its way back into my consciousness, telling me that I will definitely regret not choosing medicine. Hence, the two reasons fought a lot, in which the latter wins constantly. But the cons will still disorientate me every once in a while, leaving standing on the same spot, indecisive as to my final heading.

A respiratory specialist told me something that I found quite interesting. She said that Malaysian students were brought up believing that only professions like lawyers, engineers and doctors can insure one's future, with doctors being the most popular. As much as I wanted to deny, I find that this was somehow, the pathetic truth strongly supported by statistical data. Quoting most of the doctors, being in the medical field requires commitments, passion and the most importantly, stamina. Accept all of that and medicine will prove to be a very rewarding career.

This wish of mine can be realized through constant hard work and a fiery passion that can never go out. Commitment and sacrifice will have to be made. I understand that it is obstinate of me to refuse changes and to block suggestions and advices from people who have walked down the same path. But if I don't realize my wish, my life will never be completed.  Hence, I will be persistent in my choice now, something I will probably regret in the future.

Tomorrow, or should I say later today would be my first day in shadowing a doctor, call it clinical attachment if you will. I'm still confused by these two terms.

The second time. The second scar, though not as intense.