Genesis of Life

A wish, as defined by the dictionary, is a hope or desire for something. Desire comes from the mind, either consciously or unconsciously. I desire to be a medical doctor. It was a wish I never truly have a reason for. It was probably, as my family commented, for self-satisfaction, to quench my thirst for the top of the food chain. But that was not so, I chose science to give me my best shot in the future and biology was the subject that has fascinated me the most. The flawlessness and the delicacy of human physiology, particularly the human brain has never failed to amaze me. I knew it then. I was like bee, attracted to honey. But like everything else, it has a extreme downside. Hence, I was indecisive and that made my wish a dangerous one.

An experience in the hospital had led me to question my choice once more. The clock stroke 12 in the afternoon. It was time for lunch. But the nurse opened the heavy, wooden and seemingly glamorous door, letting yet another patient in. The patient looked pale, as if sickness had sucked the life out of him. But there was only so much the doctor could do, prescribe painkiller to ease the torturous pain. Being present in the same room, I could feel the patients' anguish as if they were mine, the torment lied deep within their heart and they can only hope for it to heal over time. My heart churned at the sight of them. However, I could not see compassion in the doctor's tired yet professional eyes. Somehow, relieving the patients' pain had become nothing more than just an obligation. The pure desire to help people was not there anymore.

In the morning, we did medical ward rounds. First, it was the High Dependency Ward. As the doctor put it, this is where they send the patients who are very ill but not ill enough to be in the Intensive Care Unit, in which I saw sights that I could never forget. The patients there could not even breathe on their own and all of them were unconsciously hooked to a machine. Dozen of tubes were transporting substance in and out of the almost-lifeless body. But still, family members wish for a factitious miracle. I can't help but wonder if the patients ever hope to leave the world in peace instead of suffering so much and condemning their families into sorrow.

It so happened that the doctor I shadowed is a nephrologist. Hence, the Dialysis centre I went, with much excitement. This was where the inspirational magic happened. The majority of patients were already in their twilight years. But most of them were friendly and cheerful despite of the intense pain. I could have been fooled by their blissful façade if they weren't in a Dialysis centre. Through this, I saw the frailness of the human body and how important hope is in sustaining a person's life. Subconsciously, it strengthen my determination albeit the discouragement from most doctors.

Given the fact that most doctors wanted to lead a different life, I can only start to imagine how demanding the medical field is. All the discouragements, the tuition fees, the stringent selection procedure, stressful lifestyle and many other disadvantages should have been able to stray me away from that path I have so naively chosen. But the satisfaction I would get by saving life and the knowledge I could gain would always find its way back into my consciousness, telling me that I will definitely regret not choosing medicine. Hence, the two reasons fought a lot, in which the latter wins constantly. But the cons will still disorientate me every once in a while, leaving standing on the same spot, indecisive as to my final heading.

A respiratory specialist told me something that I found quite interesting. She said that Malaysian students were brought up believing that only professions like lawyers, engineers and doctors can insure one's future, with doctors being the most popular. As much as I wanted to deny, I find that this was somehow, the pathetic truth strongly supported by statistical data. Quoting most of the doctors, being in the medical field requires commitments, passion and the most importantly, stamina. Accept all of that and medicine will prove to be a very rewarding career.

This wish of mine can be realized through constant hard work and a fiery passion that can never go out. Commitment and sacrifice will have to be made. I understand that it is obstinate of me to refuse changes and to block suggestions and advices from people who have walked down the same path. But if I don't realize my wish, my life will never be completed.  Hence, I will be persistent in my choice now, something I will probably regret in the future.

Tomorrow, or should I say later today would be my first day in shadowing a doctor, call it clinical attachment if you will. I'm still confused by these two terms.

The second time. The second scar, though not as intense.

Okay. The government had finally announced the long-awaited Public Service Department scholarship or rather a  bursary. Although they sound all the same to me. Well, they have decided to award the bursary to 9A+ people, which sadly, does not include me. I guess I'm experiencing the sour grapes altitude now. All those bad thoughts about PSD are racing in my mind, which kinda make me feel sadder.

I have tried to walk out of the shadow. I'm quite fine as long as I don't hear the word biology, a term I will be hearing everyday until next year June and if I'm successful in securing Medicine, forever. How can it be? I'm not overconfident. I'm almost certain that I can get A+ for biology if not perfect score. The saddest part is that the actual is worse than the trial, which is much harder. Now, you see. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself again. I hate feeling this way. How is it that everyone else can do it while I can't. Is it because I'm stupid? or I didn't work hard enough? Define hardworking. That biology scar definitely will not heal.

Even though I didn't score well, I still don't have the motivation to study now for A level. It's already four months since college started and I didn't, for a single day, carry out my study plan.

身心伤痕累累，内心百般无奈
意志消沉散漫，前途迷蒙渺茫
疑问解答何处，无能愚钝慵懒

Okay. The stress of A level has begun to show itself. I have been through biology, chemistry and physics presentations, did more projects and experiments than my 5 ChongHwa years combined. These are totally beyond my comfort zone as I have no experience and no expertise. Hence, you can imagine how the results are. I always felt that I have lots to do but in reality, not that much. I can still have free time if only I knew how to manage my time well,in which the steps don't include typing this insignificant post. Yea, well. It's fun to actually get to learn new things and experience it first hand. It's even more fun to actually excel in it and become the best in class, minus a few very strong competitors.

Being from a Chinese independent school, my mindset and theirs are very different. They think about the texts in ways I've never even thought about. And for the same reason, I have this weird thinking that I have to do better than them. I am definitely not looking down on them. But I have learnt much more than them. By right, I should have the ability to score higher and better. And did I? Well, aside from a few very threatening kebangsaan people.

Someone commented that I emphasized too much on academic results. I have never perceive it as a bad thing. It was the force that had moved me and will keep on moving me. Only until recently that I start observing from another perspective. I knew that there's more to life than result. I want my college life to be fun and memorable also. Oh and by the way, I have this recently developed bad habit of doing everything based on recognition by my lecturers. For the sake of my testimonial, I wonder how much more realistic will I become?

熟悉的陌生，期待的见面
如心之所愿，错过的完美
所谓努力，证实不足

Yea. SPM. That's what happened. I was so excited to be able to see my somewhat long-lost friends and I did, which was a great thing. But then, It didn't last for long. I took my results and I cried. As expected, I got straight A's. I'm not at all, boasting. But my tears was not of happiness but disappointment, not because I didn't get the straight A+s I desperately hope for but for biology, in which I have put in enormous effort. I knew for a fact that it's impossible to get the perfect result but I had hope anyway. In many people's eyes, my result was great enough. I would think that too if not for Biology, which was the subject I worried the least. I guess I didn't put in as much effort as I thought I did. My only hope now is too prevent history from repeating in A level.

Oh, I was happy, having many friends at my side when I'm at my weakest. But someone I treasured dearly actually made a comment that hurts above all else, even the result.

I'm starting to wonder how is it that there's no presentations in ChongHwa? That's probably one of the biggest disadvantage. Everything depends on presentation now and I have no idea how to do it. Hence, physics, which unfortunately became my first presentation failed miserably. And now, I have 3 more coming my way, each one harder than the other. Right, guess I'll just have to tell the whole world that I don't know English, then maybe they will pity me and restrain themselves a bit from dying of laughter. My group mates are probably brainstorming on how to get rid of me as I type.

I can't believe it's mid of March already. SPM result will be release next week!