Genesis of Life

Okay. The government had finally announced the long-awaited Public Service Department scholarship or rather a  bursary. Although they sound all the same to me. Well, they have decided to award the bursary to 9A+ people, which sadly, does not include me. I guess I'm experiencing the sour grapes altitude now. All those bad thoughts about PSD are racing in my mind, which kinda make me feel sadder.

I have tried to walk out of the shadow. I'm quite fine as long as I don't hear the word biology, a term I will be hearing everyday until next year June and if I'm successful in securing Medicine, forever. How can it be? I'm not overconfident. I'm almost certain that I can get A+ for biology if not perfect score. The saddest part is that the actual is worse than the trial, which is much harder. Now, you see. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself again. I hate feeling this way. How is it that everyone else can do it while I can't. Is it because I'm stupid? or I didn't work hard enough? Define hardworking. That biology scar definitely will not heal.

Even though I didn't score well, I still don't have the motivation to study now for A level. It's already four months since college started and I didn't, for a single day, carry out my study plan.

身心伤痕累累，内心百般无奈
意志消沉散漫，前途迷蒙渺茫
疑问解答何处，无能愚钝慵懒

Okay. The stress of A level has begun to show itself. I have been through biology, chemistry and physics presentations, did more projects and experiments than my 5 ChongHwa years combined. These are totally beyond my comfort zone as I have no experience and no expertise. Hence, you can imagine how the results are. I always felt that I have lots to do but in reality, not that much. I can still have free time if only I knew how to manage my time well,in which the steps don't include typing this insignificant post. Yea, well. It's fun to actually get to learn new things and experience it first hand. It's even more fun to actually excel in it and become the best in class, minus a few very strong competitors.

Being from a Chinese independent school, my mindset and theirs are very different. They think about the texts in ways I've never even thought about. And for the same reason, I have this weird thinking that I have to do better than them. I am definitely not looking down on them. But I have learnt much more than them. By right, I should have the ability to score higher and better. And did I? Well, aside from a few very threatening kebangsaan people.

Someone commented that I emphasized too much on academic results. I have never perceive it as a bad thing. It was the force that had moved me and will keep on moving me. Only until recently that I start observing from another perspective. I knew that there's more to life than result. I want my college life to be fun and memorable also. Oh and by the way, I have this recently developed bad habit of doing everything based on recognition by my lecturers. For the sake of my testimonial, I wonder how much more realistic will I become?

熟悉的陌生，期待的见面
如心之所愿，错过的完美
所谓努力，证实不足

Yea. SPM. That's what happened. I was so excited to be able to see my somewhat long-lost friends and I did, which was a great thing. But then, It didn't last for long. I took my results and I cried. As expected, I got straight A's. I'm not at all, boasting. But my tears was not of happiness but disappointment, not because I didn't get the straight A+s I desperately hope for but for biology, in which I have put in enormous effort. I knew for a fact that it's impossible to get the perfect result but I had hope anyway. In many people's eyes, my result was great enough. I would think that too if not for Biology, which was the subject I worried the least. I guess I didn't put in as much effort as I thought I did. My only hope now is too prevent history from repeating in A level.

Oh, I was happy, having many friends at my side when I'm at my weakest. But someone I treasured dearly actually made a comment that hurts above all else, even the result.

I'm starting to wonder how is it that there's no presentations in ChongHwa? That's probably one of the biggest disadvantage. Everything depends on presentation now and I have no idea how to do it. Hence, physics, which unfortunately became my first presentation failed miserably. And now, I have 3 more coming my way, each one harder than the other. Right, guess I'll just have to tell the whole world that I don't know English, then maybe they will pity me and restrain themselves a bit from dying of laughter. My group mates are probably brainstorming on how to get rid of me as I type.

I can't believe it's mid of March already. SPM result will be release next week!

Congratulation on being chosen into the Editorial Board. 
We regret to inform you that your application to PreMed Society committee was unsuccessful.
So, how should I react? I got what I loved but not what I need.

I had the honour of being able to make it into the second selection of the PreMed committee. For the passed 3 days, we have been through hell. Literally. It was stressful, worrying about all those things. But at the same time, it was a great experience. When I was in high school, I never did seize the opportunity to organise an event, which was a great experience I would definitely want to try again. We did great. How could we not get anything? That exact moment when I opened the reply and saw "sorry to inform you". I was devastated. I wanted to be in a committee badly and I did go to great extent to achieve this. And now, I feel like my world is ending. Losing this application means lesser chance of getting scholarships and considering the tuition fees, my dream is another enormous step away. Now, the only way to gain my best chance was to get Best Across Three Subject in the world. I can't even top 24 normal people. How am I suppose to get Best Across with all those geniuses out there? Why u no let me be vp?

Yup. I gave my first ever speech yesterday. Oh, well. It probably doesn't sound anything like one since nobody respond. But, I'm really satisfied to be able to stand in front of a crowd and present myself. Maybe the presenting part wasn't that great. The anxiety, that feeling of wanting to just run out of the lecture theatre and pretend nothing happen were deadly but totally marvellous. After the very-short speech which I think lasted for about one minute and a half, I felt a high sense of accomplishment. Even more satisfying than a bar of 65% dark chocolate, a cup full of Haagen Dazs strawberry cheesecake ice cream, A big slice of Alexis Bistro's Nutty Chocolate Meringue and Oh, you get my point. So satisfying that I sang all the way to the KTM station. Loudly. All those looks from strangers were probably the best indications. Won't even feel sad if I get aero vote too.

Okay. I finally got the time to go to the placement centre, which was a bad idea. After that visit, I was kinda discouraged to pursue medicine. I said before that I was willing to do that course anywhere as long as I can do it. But that wasn't the truth. I wanted to go overseas, not particularly the United Kingdom, just western country. I am not a banana. I loved Chinese and its culture every bit as I could. But I also loved English as equally. I wanted to have the experience of studying abroad. To be every bit as proud as I do ChongHwa. But now, I'm lost. I don't know if that road is really what I want. I loved Science but also Languages, though I do always complain about them. Sciences and Languages are two totally different worlds, like two parallel lines that can never intercept. Now that I'm studying pure science, I missed language classes, especially the essays. I would probably feel the same if it was the other way around.

Right. Signing up for all those activities probably wasn't that bad an idea. Maybe my personal statement could really stand out and they'd invented some medicine and languages joint programme. Oh, well. 16 more months to work on that. My chemistry lecturer actually asked me to bring back top in the world for his birthday wish. Yikes. No pressure. Flattered and Flattened.

Let your passion be the reason for your existence
and your success, the product of your persistence.

I have been struggling with my resume/ curriculum vitae for the passed few days. I have never been in a committee before nor do I know anything about being one. A sudden drastic change like this is totally over my safety limit. But then if I don't, I won't even stand a chance against all those superhuman out there for scholarships.